Well everyone that knows me knows I have problems with depression. That is to say I am depressed and it is a problem in my life. I have tried a couple medicines but they didn't seem to help past the initial burst of thinking they would help. I tried therapy but I didn't like the psychologist. He was not helpful because... well I don't know why. I just didn't like the guy. Plus it cost 120$ an hour. My sister would pay for it sometimes but I felt guilty and to be honest I don't have an extra hundred dollars a week.
Now I used to work at this job I really hated and then I quit. I blame my quitting on the job itself which is partially true. But really it's because my depression has come back in full force. I'm ashamed to tell anyone because I don't like the way people treat me when I'm struggling.
My main goal is to just force myself to continue with school and not let the depression invade that part of me like I did last time. Last time, I ruined my whole life because I let the depression stop me from going to school on a full scholarship.
Now, I'm 21 and married to a nice guy but we have no money and no education and he's got plenty of debt. It's an awful situation and only compounded by the fact that I can't make myself get a job and help out. So here he is, trying to support me with his job as a waiter for godssake. It's impossible. It doesn't help that I'm materialistic and want him to buy me things as well.
All that added with the two of us being humongously fat (no joke, we're both morbidly obese) and it is just not a pretty picture.
That all being said, I lie in bed at night listening to him snore and just wish I could stab myself in the heart with a knife. It's not that I want to die. It's just that I want to get away from all the BS I feel. I feel so much pain when I'm left alone for any time at all. It's hard not to spend a lot of time alone when I want to just lie in bed all day. I don't want to die because I don't want to hurt my husband or family or friends. But I want to feel better. I want someone to understand what I'm feeling and I want someone to help me through this without looking down on me. I don't want to be a baby, or to be the weak link. I can't imagine my future any more and sometimes I think that's because I am supposed to die. I am so scared that I'm going to die or someone close to me is going to die. I always say "I love you, be safe" to everyone like I have OCD. I just can't stand the idea of losing someone precious to me. I know what that's like (oh yeah, my dad and older brother died when I was young >>my mom has major depression issues and so does my sister). I just cry and cry and cry at the thought of losing my husband yet here I am, wishing for death and pushing him away.
Aside from my internal thoughts, I am trying to act normally. I know I am not putting on a perfect show but I guess people want to believe so badly that everything is okay they are willing to ignore what's going on. Or maybe nobody gives a fuck. So I think about all this and then I eat. Speaking of which... I'm hungry
